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  1. #1
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    Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Salam alaikum,

    I have a question. Please take it serious and don't laugh at me, because I do not know where I can ask and I really please you to give me some serious opinion. I am married and I really try to be a good muslim woman. But sometimes it is very hard for me to accept what my husband says to me. He is very nice and gentle, but I sadly tend to be contrary and I don't like it, when somebody told me what to do, although the person is in right. My husband is often mad at me for disobeying him and always be a bit to disrespectfull ( my temper is often very high and my tongue is to fast). But thats it. He admonish me and I pray a lot and I try to improve my behaviour, but it is hard for me. I fear that my husband, who is very patient with me, one day lose his patient with me and ask for a divorce.

    So I was searching a lot in the Internet to get some tipps (because I do not want it like that anymore, I really want more harmony in my marriage, and my husband isn't the problem, it is me an my dislike to be "obedience"). I found that some people do something in their marriage that is called domestic discipline (you cann google it if you want). Mostly that are womans who asked their husbands to take charge of them and to hold them accountable for dislike actions (like being disrespectfull). It means that they get disciplined by their husbands (with a spanking on her bottoms with hand or with a cane). It is not about hitting or abuse or something like that. And they wrote, that this improved their marriage and helps themself to be a better wife tc.

    I know, that it is allowed that a man can punish (not beating or hitting) his wife at last method. But what does it means exactly? Can a husband (who is gentle and loving to his wife (I don't mean any brutal things and no harming etc.please understand it right)) after admonishing her, discipline her? I want to ask my husband if he would do so, I guess it can help, but I do not want that he became a worser muslim (because I read, that the best man is the man who is the best to his wife). My husband is very, very nice to me (I guess sometimes to nice), but I am not always so nice. So when I ask him myself to be more serious to me and to stop and discipline me, when my temper is going mad, he is doing something good and not against Islam, or? He would help me and our marriage, because he would stop me, before I will get angry and nasty and he would help me to be more obendient to him. So he would still be the "best man to his wife"? I really guess, more discipline would help me, but I do not want him to be a worser husband ahead of Allah (but Allah had allowed it to a man to discipline a wife).

    Ok, its maybe a bit confuse, but I hope, you understand what I mean and can give me some opinion (and to be clear, I am not talking about hitting or beating or something like that).

    Thanks

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    well it depends on which ulamaa you follow. According to some hitting your wife is forbidden (you can hit with the equavalency of a handkerchief). And aaccording to some salafi ulamaa a man is free to hit her as he pleases. Regardless of who you follow, I find it extremely hard to believe that you will actually benifit from your husband hitting you with a handkerchief when you do something wrong (being ironic). And if he directly hits you as prescribed by many salafi ulamaa, it will just make the situation even worse by creating a fear between you and him. Obedience of any sort based on fear is not a way to live for an adult, nor productiv but rather distructive as it will eventually lead to a full scale riot within you.

    What is it specifically you do wrong (examples please)? Even though the majority of ulamaa believe it obligatory for the wife to obey her husband on most matters, in reality in many muslim marriages this does not show of in the shape of the husband ordering his wife on a daily basis. It might be that your husband is taking too much advantage of this whole obedience thing. Which is why I ask - what for example do you do wrong?

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Women who ask their husbands to spank them are women who get off on that sort of thing. It has nothing to do with "learning to be a better person."

    It seems that you are looking for a shortcut to learning to control yourself. And there isn't any, other than you learning to control yourself. You can't farm it out to other people.

    Why not talk to your husband and figure it out. Maybe he can learn to give you a verbal warning. "Now you are going too far, please stop."

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    a man hitting/disciplining his wife IF NEEDED does notmake him bad in the sight of Allaah, as thats what Allaah has told him to do if she is disobedient, and if telling her dosnt work, and if forsaking the bed thing dont work and he believes that disciplining WILL help, then in such a case he is not bad in front of Allaah, as he's just doing what Allaah told him to do.

    In fact he'll be rewarded for trying to 'help' his wife if that is he niyyah behind this discipline.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by Amina777 View Post
    I found that some people do something in their marriage that is called domestic discipline (you cann google it if you want). Mostly that are womans who asked their husbands to take charge of them and to hold them accountable for dislike actions (like being disrespectfull). It means that they get disciplined by their husbands (with a spanking on her bottoms with hand or with a cane). It is not about hitting or abuse or something like that. And they wrote, that this improved their marriage and helps themself to be a better wife tc
    I googled "domestic discipline"

    the results are something which I would hesitate to discuss in detail on this forum

  6. #6
    أبو برد cooldog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by drmo92:4937738
    well it depends on which ulamaa you follow. According to some hitting your wife is forbidden (you can hit with the equavalency of a handkerchief). And aaccording to some salafi ulamaa a man is free to hit her as he pleases. Regardless of who you follow, I find it extremely hard to believe that you will actually benifit from your husband hitting you with a handkerchief when you do something wrong (being ironic). And if he directly hits you as prescribed by many salafi ulamaa, it will just make the situation even worse by creating a fear between you and him. Obedience of any sort based on fear is not a way to live for an adult, nor productiv but rather distructive as it will eventually lead to a full scale riot within you.

    What is it specifically you do wrong (examples please)? Even though the majority of ulamaa believe it obligatory for the wife to obey her husband on most matters, in reality in many muslim marriages this does not show of in the shape of the husband ordering his wife on a daily basis. It might be that your husband is taking too much advantage of this whole obedience thing. Which is why I ask - what for example do you do wrong?
    Really bro, she mentioned three times that the husband is not the problem and u still say the husband is taking advantage of the "obedience thing".Its not a thing FYI, it is an obligation on every married muslimah.
    قل إنما أمرت أن أعبد الله ولا أشرك به إليه أدعو وإليه مآب

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    I thought it was a miswaak not a handkercheif?
    "Never will the Jews nor the Christians be pleased with you..." The Qur'an 2:210

    If the west or their slaves are pleased with you,
    then something is seriously wrong with you.

    ~ Ahmad Musa Jibril

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    I would advising reading surrendered wife, and Islamic books on marriage.

    Recipes for all the family
    (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    He is also right that in day t o day life it doesnt come up much
    Quote Originally Posted by cooldog View Post
    Really bro, she mentioned three times that the husband is not the problem and u still say the husband is taking advantage of the "obedience thing".Its not a thing FYI, it is an obligation on every married muslimah.

    Recipes for all the family
    (and you thought I was a lazy feminazi which can't cook?)

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    “As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”

    [al-Nisa’ 4:34]

    If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of admonishing her, forsaking her in bed and hitting her. Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: this means that it should not cause pain.

    ‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator]

    There are steps, a man first reminds his wife, then he doesnt have sexual relations with her, and then lastly if its useful he can use miswak.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    “As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”

    [al-Nisa’ 4:34]

    If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of admonishing her, forsaking her in bed and hitting her. Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri said: this means that it should not cause pain.

    ‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator]

    There are steps, a man first reminds his wife, then he doesnt have sexual relations with her, and then lastly if its useful he can use miswak.
    I knew it was a miswaak. I have no idea where handkerchief came from.
    "Never will the Jews nor the Christians be pleased with you..." The Qur'an 2:210

    If the west or their slaves are pleased with you,
    then something is seriously wrong with you.

    ~ Ahmad Musa Jibril

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    pariah *asiya*'s Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by Hannahk92 View Post
    I knew it was a miswaak. I have no idea where handkerchief came from.
    ive seen ppl on this forum claim, it can even be a sheet tied and knotted soaked in water and whip their wife with it. totally outrageous, and not from islam audu billah.

    Lets see the man who wants to beat his wife, first take the steps that Allah ta ala has ordered him to do, and speak to her about them problem, if that doesnt work, then he has to deny himself sexual relations first, before he picks up that miswak.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:135]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    ‘Ata’ said: I said to Ibn ‘Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator]
    isnt this unauthentic?

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    ive seen ppl on this forum claim, it can even be a sheet tied and knotted soaked in water and whip their wife with it. totally outrageous, and not from islam audu billah.

    Lets see the man who wants to beat his wife, first take the steps that Allah ta ala has ordered him to do, and speak to her about them problem, if that doesnt work, then he has to deny himself sexual relations first, before he picks up that miswak.
    also the 'hitting' can only b done if the husbands thinks it will work, if he thinks i wont work, he dosnt hit her... So its no "oh u stupid woman, come here...*whack* "

    only hit if u believe its going to help.... if u belive its not going to help thn u go on to th forth step... talaaq.

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    جبريل -Jibril-'s Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    .......
    Last edited by -Jibril-; 01-12-13 at 07:03 PM.
    There is rest only in the aakhira.
    Man will rest in the aakhira according to how hard he strives in dunya.
    - Khaalid Ibn Al Waleed (ra) -


    If you find yourself in a time where speech is regarded as knowledge,
    and knowledge is regarded as deeds,
    then you are in the worst of times, with the worst of people.
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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    You mentioned you got a bit of a swift tongue and lose your temper. Control your anger cause that's the root of all your problems. You come across you are indirectly questioning your husbands masculinity because he's too 'nice' to you. Deep down I think you wish he was a little more aggressive with you and put you in your place more often. Some women don't respect a man who lets them get away with things they want a rough man who tells them what to do. I think people like that are dysfunctional and there's something wrong with them psychologically.

    I think you should take it a lil easy on your husband and be more feminine. Appreciate that Allah has blessed you with such a great husband and please for the love of god stop pushing his buttons. Life is not a movie and men who walk over their wives and beat their chests like wild animals and scare their wives are not good men.

    There are a lot of women out there who have abusive husbands and would do anything to get out of that kind of marriage and be in yours. Say Alhamdulilah, and appreciate what Allah has blessed you with because if you don't start being grateful now maybe this will be taken away from you.

    I know some sisters who told me 'I want a jealous aggressive husband'. I was shocked by this, why do people think having a jealous husband is a turn on? It's sickening. That's why women like you who have good husbands question their husbands love because he never shows them his aggressive side.

    It's almost like people don't want to live in harmony they want drama, and like being slapped about. Our prophet (pbuh) never disciplined his wives physically, everr!

    May Allah bless your marriage sista, I think your husband loves you a lot that's why he never tries to show you his anger because he's worried he will scare you.

    Sista men and women aren't the same, even if you are in rage with your husband he still thinks your cute probably. I can be soo angry and I had people laugh at me (like seriously, you mad)? lol they never take me seriously. This is because Allah has made women gentle. However, let me warn you, you do NOT want to see your husbands strong aggressive side. He is a man, if he gets really angry and loud believe me you will cry! You will be terrified of him.

    This is why he won't show you cause he is controlling it.

    Sorry it turned out into a book....

    InshaAllah I hope you understand my point.
    ~*Want to be famous?
    Then become a servant of Allah,
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  17. #17
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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by Amina777 View Post
    Salam alaikum,

    I have a question. Please take it serious and don't laugh at me, because I do not know where I can ask and I really please you to give me some serious opinion. I am married and I really try to be a good muslim woman. But sometimes it is very hard for me to accept what my husband says to me. He is very nice and gentle, but I sadly tend to be contrary and I don't like it, when somebody told me what to do, although the person is in right. My husband is often mad at me for disobeying him and always be a bit to disrespectfull ( my temper is often very high and my tongue is to fast). But thats it. He admonish me and I pray a lot and I try to improve my behaviour, but it is hard for me. I fear that my husband, who is very patient with me, one day lose his patient with me and ask for a divorce.

    So I was searching a lot in the Internet to get some tipps (because I do not want it like that anymore, I really want more harmony in my marriage, and my husband isn't the problem, it is me an my dislike to be "obedience"). I found that some people do something in their marriage that is called domestic discipline (you cann google it if you want). Mostly that are womans who asked their husbands to take charge of them and to hold them accountable for dislike actions (like being disrespectfull). It means that they get disciplined by their husbands (with a spanking on her bottoms with hand or with a cane). It is not about hitting or abuse or something like that. And they wrote, that this improved their marriage and helps themself to be a better wife tc.

    I know, that it is allowed that a man can punish (not beating or hitting) his wife at last method. But what does it means exactly? Can a husband (who is gentle and loving to his wife (I don't mean any brutal things and no harming etc.please understand it right)) after admonishing her, discipline her? I want to ask my husband if he would do so, I guess it can help, but I do not want that he became a worser muslim (because I read, that the best man is the man who is the best to his wife). My husband is very, very nice to me (I guess sometimes to nice), but I am not always so nice. So when I ask him myself to be more serious to me and to stop and discipline me, when my temper is going mad, he is doing something good and not against Islam, or? He would help me and our marriage, because he would stop me, before I will get angry and nasty and he would help me to be more obendient to him. So he would still be the "best man to his wife"? I really guess, more discipline would help me, but I do not want him to be a worser husband ahead of Allah (but Allah had allowed it to a man to discipline a wife).

    Ok, its maybe a bit confuse, but I hope, you understand what I mean and can give me some opinion (and to be clear, I am not talking about hitting or beating or something like that).

    Thanks
    You say your husband is very very nice and gentle yet you feel like he is always mad at you for disobeying him? What does he admonish you for? You feel he is good and you are a bad wife? Everything is your fault? You often loose your temper because of him and you are afraid he might divorce you if you don't change?

    May I ask you, sister, what is it that you are doing so wrong that your husband is constantly mad at you for? What do you disobey him on? Why are you feeling so insecure in this marriage? Is it really all your fault?
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Wow. This thread. o_o
    I don't know. If my husband ever hit or touched me without my permission... we'd be over. XD

    Sis, I think your husband is just very gentle. And that's a good thing! He cares and loves you very much, and wouldn't want to see you in pain.
    Don't place the burden of your actions on him... you should try and use inner control and control what you find poor in your character.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by HmInh View Post
    Wow. This thread. o_o
    I don't know. If my husband ever hit or touched me without my permission... we'd be over. XD
    Giving yourself in marriage is your permission for him to touch (not hit) you whenever he wants. You can't deny your spouse touching, it's their right

    Quote Originally Posted by HmInh View Post
    Sis, I think your husband is just very gentle. And that's a good thing! He cares and loves you very much, and wouldn't want to see you in pain. Don't place the burden of your actions on him... you should try and use inner control and control what you find poor in your character.
    Very true. OP needs to control her anger, otherwise it might ruin her hubby's patience with not only her, but everyone he interacts with. It might end up ruining the marriage.

    @OP the only one who can control your anger is you. Make dua that your husband remains patient and perhaps seek counseling for your anger problems. You need to work on it now before it gets worse inshaAllah.

  20. #20
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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    Giving yourself in marriage is your permission for him to touch (not hit) you whenever he wants. You can't deny your spouse touching, it's their right
    I understand what you mean, but I'm not sure if I agree with that concept. Like say I was upset at him, and he tried to reconcile by hugging when I felt like he just is "brushing away" the issue. While it seems juvenile, I wouldn't want him to force me into a hug that way and therefore I kind of pull away my permission for him to touch me. :P

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    أبو برد cooldog's Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by Amina777 View Post
    Salam alaikum,

    I have a question. Please take it serious and don't laugh at me, because I do not know where I can ask and I really please you to give me some serious opinion. I am married and I really try to be a good muslim woman. But sometimes it is very hard for me to accept what my husband says to me. He is very nice and gentle, but I sadly tend to be contrary and I don't like it, when somebody told me what to do, although the person is in right. My husband is often mad at me for disobeying him and always be a bit to disrespectfull ( my temper is often very high and my tongue is to fast). But thats it. He admonish me and I pray a lot and I try to improve my behaviour, but it is hard for me. I fear that my husband, who is very patient with me, one day lose his patient with me and ask for a divorce.

    So I was searching a lot in the Internet to get some tipps (because I do not want it like that anymore, I really want more harmony in my marriage, and my husband isn't the problem, it is me an my dislike to be "obedience"). I found that some people do something in their marriage that is called domestic discipline (you cann google it if you want). Mostly that are womans who asked their husbands to take charge of them and to hold them accountable for dislike actions (like being disrespectfull). It means that they get disciplined by their husbands (with a spanking on her bottoms with hand or with a cane). It is not about hitting or abuse or something like that. And they wrote, that this improved their marriage and helps themself to be a better wife tc.

    I know, that it is allowed that a man can punish (not beating or hitting) his wife at last method. But what does it means exactly? Can a husband (who is gentle and loving to his wife (I don't mean any brutal things and no harming etc.please understand it right)) after admonishing her, discipline her? I want to ask my husband if he would do so, I guess it can help, but I do not want that he became a worser muslim (because I read, that the best man is the man who is the best to his wife). My husband is very, very nice to me (I guess sometimes to nice), but I am not always so nice. So when I ask him myself to be more serious to me and to stop and discipline me, when my temper is going mad, he is doing something good and not against Islam, or? He would help me and our marriage, because he would stop me, before I will get angry and nasty and he would help me to be more obendient to him. So he would still be the "best man to his wife"? I really guess, more discipline would help me, but I do not want him to be a worser husband ahead of Allah (but Allah had allowed it to a man to discipline a wife).

    Ok, its maybe a bit confuse, but I hope, you understand what I mean and can give me some opinion (and to be clear, I am not talking about hitting or beating or something like that).

    Thanks
    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    You say your husband is very very nice and gentle yet you feel like he is always mad at you for disobeying him? What does he admonish you for? You feel he is good and you are a bad wife? Everything is your fault? You often loose your temper because of him and you are afraid he might divorce you if you don't change?

    May I ask you, sister, what is it that you are doing so wrong that your husband is constantly mad at you for? What do you disobey him on? Why are you feeling so insecure in this marriage? Is it really all your fault?
    You see only what you want to see dont u? Not everyone who praises their husband is being secretly abused ok
    Last edited by cooldog; 22-11-12 at 06:55 AM.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by HmInh View Post
    I understand what you mean, but I'm not sure if I agree with that concept. Like say I was upset at him, and he tried to reconcile by hugging when I felt like he just is "brushing away" the issue. While it seems juvenile, I wouldn't want him to force me into a hug that way and therefore I kind of pull away my permission for him to touch me. :P
    Doing this when a man is trying to comfort you will hurt his pride and mostly likely would prevent him from wanting to cheer you up in the future. It would definitely make the problem/anger last longer.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by cooldog View Post
    You see only what you want to see dont u? Not everyone who praises their husband is being secretly abused ok
    You seem to have some issue with me and my opinions, it's ok, you are welcome to ignore all post I make about marriage. If a husband is really that gentle and nice of a husband it is unlikely he would be constantly mad at her, make her feel like a disobedient and bad wife. Good husbands make you feel good about yourself, not like you deserve to be punished in order to have a good marriage. Just because he isn't loosing his temper, doesn't mean he is free of blame. Normally people don't just randomly loose their temper for no reason, it is usually due to frustration, feeling hurt or trapped. Obviously it looks like the OP has plenty of her own issues on top of that, she needs to ask herself why she feels what she feels. Sure it takes two tango, and the more each person examines the situation, the better.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    You seem to have some issue with me and my opinions, it's ok, you are welcome to ignore all post I make about marriage.
    I have no issues with you, I have repped some of your posts, your views on some topics are inspirational, but when u start blaming someone for something you think they did, I feel obliged to correct


    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    If a husband is really that gentle and nice of a husband it is unlikely he would be constantly mad at her, make her feel like a disobedient and bad wife.
    See what u did there, the woman said that her husband was kind with her, but u assume the based on whatever that somehow the husband is making her do it.I mean, isint there a limit to this victim mentality.Its not healthy.


    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    Good husbands make you feel good about yourself, not like you deserve to be punished in order to have a good marriage. Just because he isn't loosing his temper, doesn't mean he is free of blame. Normally people don't just randomly loose their temper for no reason, it is usually due to frustration, feeling hurt or trapped. Obviously it looks like the OP has plenty of her own issues on top of that, she needs to ask herself why she feels what she feels. Sure it takes two tango, and the more each person examines the situation, the better.
    Do u think u know this women's husband better than she does? She said herself that " her temper is high and her tongue is fast". You assumed her husband was making her that way , this is where I think you project your experiences on others instead of giving advice based on what is presented.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    I am not saying is definitely this or that, we don't know, but what I said is to ask some questions about what is really going on. Like, why is he always mad at her? What is he admonishing her about? How is she disobeying him? I don't think that is unreasonable to ask that. If she really is doing something wrong and disobeying him and he is commanding her the good, then her answering the questions would probably lead to the conclusion that her husband is right.

    Am I projecting my experiences? Perhaps I am or perhaps because of my experiences I notice these subtle patterns of behavior. I can tell you it is true, I actually used to feel very similar to the OP. I used to feel I was just a terrible wife, everything is my fault, and I could probably never be a good wife to anyone. My husband always told me I was disobeying him, but I wasn't. For a while I actually thought the problem was completely mine until I realized what was really going on. This is not uncommon among women who's husband try to make them feel this way so they are completely dependent on them. I've heard this same sentiment expressed by several women in those situations. If your husband makes you to feel terrible about yourself, that is not healthy and it is a warning sign. Most people in healthy, loving relationships don't feel like they are terrible spouses. Most people in loving, healthy relationships feel respected and appreciated.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    I am not saying is definitely this or that, we don't know, but what I said is to ask some questions about what is really going on. Like, why is he always mad at her? What is he admonishing her about? How is she disobeying him? I don't think that is unreasonable to ask that. If she really is doing something wrong and disobeying him and he is commanding her the good, then her answering the questions would probably lead to the conclusion that her husband is right.

    Am I projecting my experiences? Perhaps I am or perhaps because of my experiences I notice these subtle patterns of behavior. I can tell you it is true, I actually used to feel very similar to the OP. I used to feel I was just a terrible wife, everything is my fault, and I could probably never be a good wife to anyone. My husband always told me I was disobeying him, but I wasn't. For a while I actually thought the problem was completely mine until I realized what was really going on. This is not uncommon among women who's husband try to make them feel this way so they are completely dependent on them. I've heard this same sentiment expressed by several women in those situations. If your husband makes you to feel terrible about yourself, that is not healthy and it is a warning sign. Most people in healthy, loving relationships don't feel like they are terrible spouses. Most people in loving, healthy relationships feel respected and appreciated.

    This is exactly what I was talking about when I said u see only what u want to see.You base everything on your single experience with a man, and you start predicting these subtle patterns.Not everyone is like your husband.

    Anyway, you always tend to do this, Im not going to bother correcting you anymore.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    I think its a bit weird.. its more like a parent disciplining a child but with a sexual twist.
    I think its quite demoralizing as well.
    I don't know i think you can be more accountable for you actions, no?
    O you who have believed, if you obey those who disbelieve, they will turn you back on your heels, and you will [then] become losers.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by cooldog View Post
    This is exactly what I was talking about when I said u see only what u want to see.You base everything on your single experience with a man, and you start predicting these subtle patterns.Not everyone is like your husband.

    Anyway, you always tend to do this, Im not going to bother correcting you anymore
    .
    JazakAllah khair!

    Do you think it is normal for a husband to always be mad at his wife and admonish her for being disobedient when obvious she is not so disobedient since she wants so very badly to please and be put in line by him? Does she sound like a disobedient wife to you? Does this situation look normal to you? There is obviously some messed up things happening on both sides. It's not just my experience with one person, it is also many other people's experiences and education that shape my point of view. I am not sure what kind of experience or education you have about this stuff beside perhaps watching your parents, but all you see is that the husband is good and wife bad. You are just the opposite of how you perceive me to be, not better.
    Last edited by inprogress; 22-11-12 at 08:45 PM.
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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    JazakAllah khair!

    Do you think it is normal for a husband to always be mad at his wife and admonish her for being disobedient when obvious she is not so disobedient since she wants so very badly to please and be put in line by him? Does she sound like a disobedient wife to you? Does this situation look normal to you? There is obviously some messed up things happening on both sides. It's not just my experience with one person, it is also many other people's experiences and education that shape my point of view. I am not sure what kind of experience or education you have about this stuff beside perhaps watching your parents, but all you see is that the husband is good and wife bad. You are just the opposite of how you perceive me to be, not better.

    Where did u get that from ? She stated explicitly that she has a temper and she is disrespectful toward her husband.She wants to be put in line because she cannot control herself on her own.

    I never said this situation was normal, if u need someone to spank u, then u have childhood issues, so lets blame the husband coz his wifes a mess.He is amazing to even put up with her.

    I dont see the wife as bad.But she is the one asking the question here, she is the one telling us that she has been bad, and she is the one telling us that her husband is a kind man.And apparently you know better about her and her husband.

    You see Im not perceiving anything, which is the whole point of this.She says she has been disobedient.I believe her.

    Carry on with your assumptions.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Whole situation sounds fishy. Whats wrong with him that he is always mad? Surely you're not being horrible to him always?

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by cooldog View Post
    Where did u get that from ? She stated explicitly that she has a temper and she is disrespectful toward her husband.She wants to be put in line because she cannot control herself on her own.

    I never said this situation was normal, if u need someone to spank u, then u have childhood issues, so lets blame the husband coz his wifes a mess.He is amazing to even put up with her.

    I dont see the wife as bad.But she is the one asking the question here, she is the one telling us that she has been bad, and she is the one telling us that her husband is a kind man.And apparently you know better about her and her husband.

    You see Im not perceiving anything, which is the whole point of this.She says she has been disobedient.I believe her.

    Carry on with your assumptions.
    Ok bro, lets call a truce here. You are right nobody needs to make assumptions about anyone. I won't make them about you, you don't make them about me, and we won't make them about the OP and her husband. BTW, I was not assuming anything about the OP's husband, just asking some questions to clarify the situation. It could be she is perceiving things different then how they really are, or it could be accurate that she is very naughty and her husband is an angel. We don't know unless we ask her why she feels this way. Maybe you are taking everything she says at face value and I am reading into them more. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong. The OP is the one who knows, not us. I'm just trying to help her think about what's going on.
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by inprogress View Post
    Ok bro, lets call a truce here. You are right nobody needs to make assumptions about anyone. I won't make them about you, you don't make them about me, and we won't make them about the OP and her husband. BTW, I was not assuming anything about the OP's husband, just asking some questions to clarify the situation. It could be she is perceiving things different then how they really are, or it could be accurate that she is very naughty and her husband is an angel. We don't know unless we ask her why she feels this way. Maybe you are taking everything she says at face value and I am reading into them more. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong. The OP is the one who knows, not us. I'm just trying to help her think about what's going on.
    Hence the spanking

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    These words. Naughty. Discipline. Sounds more like parent and child.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    smh, another one hit wonder troll it seems like.
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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    Doing this when a man is trying to comfort you will hurt his pride and mostly likely would prevent him from wanting to cheer you up in the future. It would definitely make the problem/anger last longer.
    Mostly, but I think the issue is just about consent. For me, it just goes back to the fundamental issue of "only touch me if I give you the permission". Also, I've noticed that when people are upset they will put themselves physically far away to avoid being touched, so to go against that would be rude (in my opinion).
    Even my parents know that I'm a very cuddly person, but when I don't want to be touched it's serious.

    To each their own!

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by HmInh View Post
    Mostly, but I think the issue is just about consent. For me, it just goes back to the fundamental issue of "only touch me if I give you the permission". Also, I've noticed that when people are upset they will put themselves physically far away to avoid being touched, so to go against that would be rude (in my opinion).
    Even my parents know that I'm a very cuddly person, but when I don't want to be touched it's serious.

    To each their own!
    This is a secular, westernized view about personal space. That, inshaAllah, will dissappear with time. Marriage in Islam is not like marriage in western countries. We are forbidden from touching anyone, ever, unless married. When married, there is no "permission", because the permission is the marriage itself; it's an agreement between both parties that includes full physical freedom. In Islam, He's not breaking any laws if he touches you (regardless of your mood), as long as he doesn't hurt you. If he keeps following you around poking you in the eyeball, that's another story.

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    This is a secular, westernized view about personal space. That, inshaAllah, will dissappear with time. Marriage in Islam is not like marriage in western countries. We are forbidden from touching anyone, ever, unless married. When married, there is no "permission", because the permission is the marriage itself; it's an agreement between both parties that includes full physical freedom. In Islam, He's not breaking any laws if he touches you (regardless of your mood), as long as he doesn't hurt you. If he keeps following you around poking you in the eyeball, that's another story.
    I think what you are referring to Islamically is the type of touching that will lead one to satisfy their desires, which is not what we are discussing in this situation. We are talking about someone touching another to try to make them feel better when indeed at that moment it would not make them feel better, maybe worse. So what's the wisdom in doing that?
    Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the Dominion, and He is Able to do all things. (67.1)

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    Re: Domestic Discipline and obeying the husband

    Quote Originally Posted by |Sister| View Post
    This is a secular, westernized view about personal space. That, inshaAllah, will dissappear with time. Marriage in Islam is not like marriage in western countries. We are forbidden from touching anyone, ever, unless married. When married, there is no "permission", because the permission is the marriage itself; it's an agreement between both parties that includes full physical freedom. In Islam, He's not breaking any laws if he touches you (regardless of your mood), as long as he doesn't hurt you. If he keeps following you around poking you in the eyeball, that's another story.
    Hmm... maybe it is a bit secular/Western, but I don't necessarily think that it's a bad thing. It doesn't necessarily go against any Islamic values to say that if I tell my husband I don't want to be touched at the current moment, he shouldn't touch me, is it?


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