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  1. #1
    <3 <3 nousername's Avatar
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    Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    When my husband tells my two little boys to do something or to stop doing something, they do it right away and almost always no fuss about it. But when I'm alone with them, they try to walk all over me and have almost no fear of me?? ( Disclaimer: neither my husband and I hit or beat our kids or emotionally abuse them).

    It's doing my head in, so frustrating! Do any of you mom's have this problem? Or if you don't, how do you command respect, esp. from little boys? JazakAllah Khair!
    Fabi-ayyiala -i rabbikuma tukaththibani
    Then which of the favors of your Lord will ye deny?
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    You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie. Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

  2. #2
    شهيد إن شاء الله
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    cause boys are scared of dad. plain and simple. the boy knows-or fears- that if he dosent do what papa says thats hhes gonna get a whopin like a redheaded stepchild in a redneck village.

    boys also know that momma loves them and wont beat them so they feel that they have more power.

    its a boy thing. how can you command respect? IMO by beating them a little bit. nothing makes a boy respect their mama like a whopin up the backside.

    its a natural boy thing. the father dosent even have to do anything. his presence is enough to keep the boy in line.

    its either you beat them lol or get your husband to talk some sense into them and to give them a stern warning. worked on me as a boy. worked on every other boy i know too.

    heck im the biggest brother of this household (my bros are 7 and 8 and im 22) and when i warn them to be good to mom they are good. i dont have to beat them and ether dose dad. our words stick in their minds and they think twice before displeasing mom.
    Last edited by uncle umar; 14-06-11 at 08:31 PM.
    And the (faithful) slaves of the Most Gracious (Allâh) are those who walk on the earth in humility and sedateness, and when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness. (25:63)

    O You who believe! Shall I guide you to a trade that will save you from a painful torment? (10) That you believe in Allâh and His Messenger (Muhammad SAW),and that you strive hard and fight in the Cause of Allâh with your wealth and your lives, that will be better for you, if you but know! (11) (If you do so) He will forgive you your sins, and admit you into Gardens under which rivers flow, and pleasant dwellings in Adn (Edn) Paradise; that is indeed the great success. (12)

    JazakAllah khair for the duas but i would prefer duas for shahadah instead.

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  3. #3
    Account Disabled Medievalist's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    back in the day "wait till your dad comes home" used to work a treat. dunno with today's kids though.
    Rajab is a month of cultivation, Shaban is month of irrigating the fields, and the month of Ramadhan is a month of reaping and harvesting.”

  4. #4
    Aslamu alaikum cuezed's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    my 2 year old daughter does the same. she dont listen to her mum but does everything i say. could be because i'm strict
    There is a clock on your forehead counting down to the time of your death. Only Allah knows how many seconds are left on it

  5. #5
    *bıɟɐɹɯıɯɐʇpɐʎızɯɯn* .: Anna :.'s Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    uncle umar i dont think its a great suggestion to just beat them :S

    sis when ur husband is there does he back u up and stuff, so u are giving a united front to the boys and so he is reinforcing your authority with them etc? and when u give them any warnings for bad behaviour do u follow it through? have u got any consequences that u usually use? cos all those things will tend to help, and also the firm voice, 'dont mess with me' kind of look etc

    how old r u ur boys? mine both are still very young 3 yrs and 18 months but they listen to me as much as their dad, tbh probably more because i am with them everyday and i am stricter if u feel like they dont take u seriously as they try 2 ignore when ur telling them things then i think bring in some consequences and follow them through and they should get the message, n get their dad to back up the message or possibly also get him just to say to them i expect u to listen to your mum and do as you are told, as they listen to him then maybe its good if he also makes that point to them? and both of u encourage them a lot when they do listen and do as ur told, ie make sure you comment so they know that u noticed and ur happy with it

    if they r young they r prob just trying to test their boundaries and mayb they feel safest to try that with u, sometimes thats the case?
    .: Rufaida :.
    .:Fa Firroo Ila-llaah:.

    “People praise you for what they suppose is in you,
    but you must blame your soul for what you know is in you.”
    ~ Ibn Atallah


  6. #6
    Away. Soliloquy's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Quote Originally Posted by .: Anna :. View Post
    sis when ur husband is there does he back u up and stuff, so u are giving a united front to the boys and so he is reinforcing your authority with them etc? and when u give them any warnings for bad behaviour do u follow it through? have u got any consequences that u usually use? cos all those things will tend to help, and also the firm voice, 'dont mess with me' kind of look etc
    That's happened with all the boys in my family. :|

    I think men are just more believable when they're angry, I see it when my sister-in-law's tell my nephews off compared to when its my brother's telling them off. It's harder for mums to go through with the bold.
    Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik
    O' Converter of Hearts, make my heart steadfast upon Thy Way
    We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

  7. #7
    میرے دل کا نور .mirror.'s Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?



    Children should have "fear" of both parents, I think. I know some of my aunt used BEAT the 'eck out her kids for little things, like not eating. So they used to listen to her and I'm sure they still do. I don't recommend this, though.

    I think if you raise your voice a little at them, that should do it. Show the anger in your tone and let them know when you're being nice and when you're being serious, so it creates the image in their head when mommy isn't playing around. Lol.

    It's probably harder for mothers to be strict to their children, I think, than fathers. But, they can get it done, too.
    Call onto Allah, such that you are certain that He, al-Mujib wal-Kareem, will answer your call before you even lower your hands.
    وَقَالَ رَبُّكُمُ ادْعُونِي أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ

  8. #8
    في أستراليا truepath's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    cuz dad rulez thats why
    لا أريد مِنْكُمْ جَزَاء وَلا شُكُورًا

  9. #9
    أهل الرأي. IbnulQayyim's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?



    Sister is it because you are/were less strict in the past ? Maybe that is how they got used to it and thus they do not listen to you ?

    Reported by Ibn al-Salah:

    ولقد أحسن الحسن بن أبي زياد اللؤلؤي صاحب أبي حنيفة فيما بلغنا عنه أنه استفتي في مسألة فأخطأ فيها ولم يعرف الذي أفتاه فاكترى مناديا فنادى أن الحسن بن أبي زياد استفتي يوم كذا وكذا في مسألة فأخطأ فمن كان أفتاه الحسن بن أبي زياد بشيء فليرجع إليه
    فلبث أياما لا يفتي حتى وجد صاحب الفتوى فأعلمه أنه أخطأ وإن الصواب كذا وكذا والله أعلم

  10. #10
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    i notice my children are afraid of me. you have to have a commanding presence rather than tge simple approach. may Allah bless our children to respect us as parents and only fear allah

  11. #11
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    lol well for me
    i see it this way...

    If i annoy my dad he will ship me back home lol
    if i annoy my mom she will lecture me/ignore me

    idk moms are usually sweeter and dads are stricter

  12. #12
    18 yr old.. Fuaadh's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Watch supernanny lol..

  13. #13
    ʚϊɞ ᎵᎡᎥᏁᏟᎬᎴᎴ ʚϊɞ Umm_Adam_'s Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    No Its Because The Dad Isnt Around As much I mean Working and Out Of The House

    Moms Is The One Who Keeps The Ship Tight And Every Thing On Lock


    But They Do Love You But Dad Gives Em More Favour I Reckon
    And He found you lost and guided you,
    ~ Qur'an (Ad Duhaa) 93:7 ~

    Salaah Reminders

    Guide us to the straight.
    " Ihdina-s-sirata-l-mustaqim "
    ~ Quran 1:6 ~


  14. #14
    www.searching-islam.com Perseveranze's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Telling you now, when they Grow up and reflect on their Islamic teachings, they'll heavily regret any pain they caused their mothers.

  15. #15
    Troll Hunter Supreme Saif-Uddin's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Quote Originally Posted by nousername View Post
    When my husband tells my two little boys to do something or to stop doing something, they do it right away and almost always no fuss about it. But when I'm alone with them, they try to walk all over me and have almost no fear of me?? ( Disclaimer: neither my husband and I hit or beat our kids or emotionally abuse them).

    It's doing my head in, so frustrating! Do any of you mom's have this problem? Or if you don't, how do you command respect, esp. from little boys? JazakAllah Khair!
    Not having Fear of You does not mean they have no Respect for you ...

    They probably "Walk all over you ..." because you'll fogive and tolerate them more than the Father, you will Punish them less than the Father, and you will in all likelihood Love them more than the Father ...

    the solution is Discipiline, you've got to drill into them the line which they mustn't cross and what you won't tolerate ...


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    "O followers of Muhammad! By Allah, if you knew what I know, you would weep much and laugh little."

    [Sahih Al-Bukhari, Vol. 8, Hadith no. 627]

    May Allah ta'ala join our beloved akhi Uncle-Umar (may Allah ta'ala have mercy upon him) with the Shuhada and grant him the Highest station in Jannatul Firdaus

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  16. #16
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Umm, why do you say your kids don't respect you? I'm sorry to say this, but maybe that's why they obey rather dad than mum.

  17. #17
    Thirsty for knowledge niqaabi_nusrat's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    , sister,

    I also have two boys. The important thing is to establish a clear understanding of where the boundaries of acceptable behaviour lie. We are very fortunate that Islam has set out such clear guidance about where such limits lie, so this is should not be too difficult. If the boys are being disobedient and not listening to you then you then you should not just accept it. They need to understand that there cannot just step over the line when they feel like it. In our house, the boys know that if they disobey mum or dad then there will be consequences, starting with withdrawal of privileges and escalating to more serious punishments like the slipper for rudeness or missing salah, subhanallah.

  18. #18
    میرے دل کا نور .mirror.'s Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Quote Originally Posted by niqaabi_nusrat View Post
    ...if they disobey mum or dad then there will be consequences, starting with withdrawal of privileges and escalating to more serious punishments like the slipper for rudeness or missing salah, subhanallah.
    Are you serious?

    I thought only Desi moms do that. Lol.

    Go easy on them, please. Poor things.

    But, I agree, disrespecting and missing salah is no joke.
    Call onto Allah, such that you are certain that He, al-Mujib wal-Kareem, will answer your call before you even lower your hands.
    وَقَالَ رَبُّكُمُ ادْعُونِي أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ

  19. #19
    ~ Allahu Akbar ~ dhak1yya's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    this happens because both parents are not disciplining the kids in the same way. You need to sit down together with your husband when the kids are not around and decide on what method of discipline you use, and both of you stick to it consistently. If you don't do this, then the kids will respect the stricter parent and run rings around the less strict parent. as has been mentioned above, boys tend to respond more quickly/easily to consistent discipline from their father than their mother but that doesn't mean the mother can't get the same level of discipline. you just need to make more effort to be consistent. the mistake most parents make is a lack of consistency, i.e. they enforce the rules one day and let the kids off the next. it's very important that the rules/boundaries stay the same day after day, and the punishments stay the same day after day. and as I said, that you and your husband follow the same system. inshaAllah do that and it they will obey both of you inshaAllah.





  20. #20
    ~ Allahu Akbar ~ dhak1yya's Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Quote Originally Posted by .mirror. View Post


    Children should have "fear" of both parents, I think. I know some of my aunt used BEAT the 'eck out her kids for little things, like not eating. So they used to listen to her and I'm sure they still do. I don't recommend this, though.

    I think if you raise your voice a little at them, that should do it. Show the anger in your tone and let them know when you're being nice and when you're being serious, so it creates the image in their head when mommy isn't playing around. Lol.

    It's probably harder for mothers to be strict to their children, I think, than fathers. But, they can get it done, too.
    it's not the method of discipline you use, but being consistent. Tone of voice is important though, but you don't need to shout. actually it's better not to shout, but to learn how to have a "stern mummy" voice. this is assertive, low pitched, firm, and means business, but isn't actually shouting. Shouting, especially high pitched angry shouting can signal "loss of control" to kids and they can end up winding you up to make you lose your temper with them (it's a way of getting attention) - however if you have your stern mummy voice to give a warning, then if they don't comply they get a punishment, they quickly learn to respect you. then use your normal voice and happy mummy voice for play, when they're being good, lots of praise etc. For my kids, I warn them, then if they don't comply I count to three, and if I get to three there's a punishment, either the naughty corner or something being taken away (I tell them what will happen when I warn them, before I start counting)... usually "mummy's going to count to three....!" is enough to get them moving lol. mashaAllah.





  21. #21
    شهيد إن شاء الله
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    if my child misses salah on purpose ever, i am going to punch him in the head.
    And the (faithful) slaves of the Most Gracious (Allâh) are those who walk on the earth in humility and sedateness, and when the foolish address them (with bad words) they reply back with mild words of gentleness. (25:63)

    O You who believe! Shall I guide you to a trade that will save you from a painful torment? (10) That you believe in Allâh and His Messenger (Muhammad SAW),and that you strive hard and fight in the Cause of Allâh with your wealth and your lives, that will be better for you, if you but know! (11) (If you do so) He will forgive you your sins, and admit you into Gardens under which rivers flow, and pleasant dwellings in Adn (Edn) Paradise; that is indeed the great success. (12)

    JazakAllah khair for the duas but i would prefer duas for shahadah instead.

    sponsor an orphan

  22. 30-08-11, 11:16 AM

    Reason
    do not joke about child abuse because it's not funny

  23. 30-08-11, 11:18 AM

    Reason
    do not joke about child abuse because it's not funny

  24. #22
    *bıɟɐɹɯıɯɐʇpɐʎızɯɯn* .: Anna :.'s Avatar
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Quote Originally Posted by uncle umar View Post
    if my child misses salah on purpose ever, i am going to punch him in the head.
    this is not right..
    .: Rufaida :.
    .:Fa Firroo Ila-llaah:.

    “People praise you for what they suppose is in you,
    but you must blame your soul for what you know is in you.”
    ~ Ibn Atallah


  25. #23
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    Quote Originally Posted by .: Anna :. View Post
    this is not right..
    Lol, of course that's haram, but it sounds he's joking.

  26. #24
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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    It's the same with my 2 year old. I think the difference is that if I say something to her, i.e. if you don't/do do so and so, I will put you in the high chair in your play time, she says "noooooo", and runs to her mother. Then when she does/doesn't do a certain thing which is the opposite of what I said, I don't think twice and I follow through each and every time.

    My wife gives her too many chances, so now when my wife says something to her, my daughter just ignores it. When she does that to my wife infront of me, I simply says. If you do that again, it's the high chair, and she either runs behind her mother, or stops doing what I tell her to stop doing. If she doesn't, again, I don't think twice and make her sit in her high chair from where she cannot move.

    So to me, it seems it's all about following through and not backing down. Obviously the reverse must apply too. If she does something good based on a reward i agreed with her before hand, I follow through on the reward too, like extra play time, certain drink, food, park, slide etc etc.

    However, I would never call this "respect". It's more "fear" that I will do what I have said.
    Last edited by nami; 31-08-11 at 09:55 AM.
    ...

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    Re: Why do the kids respect dad but not mom?

    We have this issue the other way around. It may be because I follow the latest research in parenting (including Islamic parenting books) and it seems to work well. My husband doesn't make the time to read and only asks me for advice when he can't take any more. Our son is obedient with me, eg when I say no it makes him cry. I base our relationship on mutual respect, ie I give him the respect that I expect from him. My husband is much stricter but does not get the results.


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