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Thread: Islamic jokes

  1. #1

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    Icon7 Islamic jokes

    share with you islamic jokes

    Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

    An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

    Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"

    True Incident: A young man in a village refused to believe that Allah has total control of everything. He claimed that Allah cannot make him eat food if he didn't want to eat. To prove his point, he decided to stay hungry for a day and see if Allah can make him eat. His mother tried her best to stop this foolishness but he paid no attention. Annoyed of his mother in the evening, he decided to climb a tree and isolate himself there. Being compassionate, his mother decided to leave the food under the tree incase her son finally gives up and wants to eat. When the night fell, a group of robbers were passing by that tree. They noticed a plate of delicious food placed under the tree. They looked at each other in amazement and thought that someone must be playing a trick on them. May be someone is trying to poison them with good food. They looked around to see if there was anyone nearby and noticed the young man on top of the tree. The robbers got him down and told him to eat the food to see if it is poisoned. But the young man refused to eat as he is still carrying on his challenge against Allah. The robbers became suspicious and started beating the young man to eat. He gave up and started eating. Seeing that the food was not poisoned, the robbers left him and went away. Finally, the young man admitted that yes, Allah has total control of everything!

    Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

    An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah!

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    loool mashallah, may Allah reward you for posting

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    www.KnowDeen.com cuezed's Avatar
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    great post. jazakAllah khair for sharing
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Amazing :-)

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    black guy and a muslim were in a prison cell, and the black guy said "i think they jury at my trial were racist" and the muslim goes " you got a jury and a trial ? "

    makes u smile for a minute till u realise how horrendous it is..
    Last edited by *asiya*; 20-10-09 at 08:02 PM.
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:35]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


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    pariah *asiya*'s Avatar
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    " ....
    "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do." [An-Nisa 4:35]

    The Prophet said:

    "Whosoever leaves off obedience and separates from the Jamaa'ah and dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah. Whoever fights under the banner of the blind, becoming angry for 'asabiyyah (nationalism/tribalism/partisanship) or calling to 'asabiyyah, or assisting 'asabiyyah, then dies, he dies a death of jaahiliyyah."

    muslim

    Narrated 'Abdullah:

    The Prophet, said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." sahih bukhari


    "Creeping upon you is the diseases of those people before you: envy and hatred. And hatred is the thing that shaves. I do not say it shaves the hair but it shaves the religion!

    By the One in whose Hand is my soul, you will not enter paradise until you believe, and you will not believe until you love one another. Certainly, let me inform you of that which may establish such things: spread the greetings and peace among yourselves."

    [Recorded by Imam Ahmad and Al-Tirmidhi]


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    Vahabi Asma-SE's Avatar
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by ~asiya~ View Post
    black guy and a muslim were in a prison cell, and the black guy said "i think they jury at my trial were racist" and the muslim goes " you got a jury and a trial ? "

    makes u smile for a minute till u realise how horrendous it is..
    "And We will remove whatever is in their breasts of resentment, [so they will be] brothers, on thrones facing each other."
    Al Hijr: 47

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
    A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by MuslimSoljah View Post
    Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
    A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.
    good one

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    black guy and a muslim were in a prison cell, and the black guy said "i think they jury at my trial were racist" and the muslim goes " you got a jury and a trial ? "

    makes u smile for a minute till u realise how horrendous it is..
    oooh :/ yes it does :/

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by muslemah View Post
    share with you islamic jokes

    Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

    An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

    Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"

    True Incident: A young man in a village refused to believe that Allah has total control of everything. He claimed that Allah cannot make him eat food if he didn't want to eat. To prove his point, he decided to stay hungry for a day and see if Allah can make him eat. His mother tried her best to stop this foolishness but he paid no attention. Annoyed of his mother in the evening, he decided to climb a tree and isolate himself there. Being compassionate, his mother decided to leave the food under the tree incase her son finally gives up and wants to eat. When the night fell, a group of robbers were passing by that tree. They noticed a plate of delicious food placed under the tree. They looked at each other in amazement and thought that someone must be playing a trick on them. May be someone is trying to poison them with good food. They looked around to see if there was anyone nearby and noticed the young man on top of the tree. The robbers got him down and told him to eat the food to see if it is poisoned. But the young man refused to eat as he is still carrying on his challenge against Allah. The robbers became suspicious and started beating the young man to eat. He gave up and started eating. Seeing that the food was not poisoned, the robbers left him and went away. Finally, the young man admitted that yes, Allah has total control of everything!

    Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

    An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah!

    thankz

  12. #12
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    A man was stranded on an island and he satrted to pray. "Please God help me' One the first day a boat came by but the man said, "No. I am waiting for God to rescue me" Two more days went back and he saw a plane circling but he ignored it and cried out, I will wait for God to rescue me.
    This went on for a few weeks and another two boats and a plane came by and each time he said the same, that God would rescue him. He finally died and when he went up to heaven he asked an angel, "Why didnt God rescue me and the angel said, "Oh my goddness, He sent you two planes and three boats"

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by muslemah View Post
    [COLOR="DarkOrange"][SIZE="2"]

    Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."



    An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah!
    Quote Originally Posted by aiesha_kiwi View Post
    A man was stranded on an island and he satrted to pray. "Please God help me' One the first day a boat came by but the man said, "No. I am waiting for God to rescue me" Two more days went back and he saw a plane circling but he ignored it and cried out, I will wait for God to rescue me.
    This went on for a few weeks and another two boats and a plane came by and each time he said the same, that God would rescue him. He finally died and when he went up to heaven he asked an angel, "Why didnt God rescue me and the angel said, "Oh my goddness, He sent you two planes and three boats"

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    A rose, Poetry and Prose zammy's Avatar
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by muslemah View Post

    Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

    An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.


    An Imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted Imam said "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me".

    "Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "

  16. #16

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Jasin Natael View Post
    A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.


    An Imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted Imam said "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me".

    "Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "

    haha, like the second one, but i dont understand it very good, she means that he was bad? or?

  17. #17
    Slave of God Almighty Mr. Muslim's Avatar
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Very funny thread. Jazak Allah for making us all smile, sister.
    Quote Originally Posted by *asiya* View Post
    black guy and a muslim were in a prison cell, and the black guy said "i think they jury at my trial were racist" and the muslim goes " you got a jury and a trial ? "

    makes u smile for a minute till u realise how horrendous it is..
    Very true indeed, sister. I really hope this isn't true. May Allah have Mercy on Muslim Ummah.
    Quote Originally Posted by muslemah View Post
    haha, like the second one, but i dont understand it very good, she means that he was bad? or?
    Yes he was worse than the one they had before him. It seems the standard had been dropping with every replacement. Lol.

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Muslim View Post
    Very funny thread. Jazak Allah for making us all smile, sister.
    Very true indeed, sister. I really hope this isn't true. May Allah have Mercy on Muslim Ummah.

    Yes he was worse than the one they had before him. It seems the standard had been dropping with every replacement. Lol.

    aha haha =D but then why would she miss him?

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    Slave of God Almighty Mr. Muslim's Avatar
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by muslemah View Post
    aha haha =D but then why would she miss him?
    Because, the new Imaam evidently will be not any better than this one who's talking about leaving them for blah blah reasons. So, I think, this lady is worried because community will be in even more shortage of Ilm. (No?)

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    quite funny.....seriusly, im pleasantly surprised...never expected to smile lol...MashaAllah Ta'ala
    Mutarrif B. 'Abdillah: ''Oh Allaah, I seek forgiveness in you from that which I have repented and then returned back to, and I seek forgiveness in you from that which I rendered to you and then did not fulfil and I seek forgiveness in you from that which I alleged was for seeking your face but, my heart mixed with that which you know of me'' (حلية الأولياء)

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    ok ive got one but its paraphrased:

    once during Jummah salah, two gunmen clad all in black burst into the mosque and declared.."all those who are willing to take a bullet for Islam stay or leave now"....more than three quarters of the masjid emptied as fast as possible. the gunmen then removed their masks and said to the imaam "proceed with the salah imaam saab the munaafiqs have left!"
    *Alhamdulillah*

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Masumah View Post
    ok ive got one but its paraphrased:

    once during Jummah salah, two gunmen clad all in black burst into the mosque and declared.."all those who are willing to take a bullet for Islam stay or leave now"....more than three quarters of the masjid emptied as fast as possible. the gunmen then removed their masks and said to the imaam "proceed with the salah imaam saab the munaafiqs have left!"

    oho! lol

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Masumah View Post
    ok ive got one but its paraphrased:

    once during Jummah salah, two gunmen clad all in black burst into the mosque and declared.."all those who are willing to take a bullet for Islam stay or leave now"....more than three quarters of the masjid emptied as fast as possible. the gunmen then removed their masks and said to the imaam "proceed with the salah imaam saab the munaafiqs have left!"
    hahaha, i read it before but i didnt understand it, now i read it again i understand funny

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    There is a hadith, where an old lady went to the Prophet (SAW) and asked him to make du'a that she enter Jannah. When he heard this, he told her that no old woman would enter Jannah. Upon hearing this the old woman started to cry, so the Sahabis told her of the ayah:

    “Verily we! We have created those (maidens) by a creation and have made them virgins, loving, of equal age” Qur’aan 56: 35-37

    Quote Originally Posted by Masumah View Post
    ok ive got one but its paraphrased:

    once during Jummah salah, two gunmen clad all in black burst into the mosque and declared.."all those who are willing to take a bullet for Islam stay or leave now"....more than three quarters of the masjid emptied as fast as possible. the gunmen then removed their masks and said to the imaam "proceed with the salah imaam saab the munaafiqs have left!"
    That story always gets me so angry. I keep thinking, "Why'd you ruin the khutbah and ruin the rewards for everyone..."
    "...And never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith."

    Surah Yusuf
    [12:87]

    .:.


    .:. Perfer et Obdura : Dolor Hic Tibi Proderit Olim .:.
    Be patient and strong : someday this pain will be useful to you


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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Pippin1376 View Post
    There is a hadith, where an old lady went to the Prophet (SAW) and asked him to make du'a that she enter Jannah. When he heard this, he told her that no old woman would enter Jannah. Upon hearing this the old woman started to cry, so the Sahabis told her of the ayah:

    “Verily we! We have created those (maidens) by a creation and have made them virgins, loving, of equal age” Qur’aan 56: 35-37



    That story always gets me so angry. I keep thinking, "Why'd you ruin the khutbah and ruin the rewards for everyone..."

    about hadeeth i heared it too, i believe everybody will be in age 33 in jannah inshallah.

    but its a joke ;D

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Once, Ricardowolfe was attending a lecture by an imaam saab, so the imaam was saying how in the quran you will find answers to everything, and that Islam has the solution to everything.

    Ricardo jumped up and with a look of triumph in his eyes said, Imam, I need to know how to make Chicken Biriani,Kebabs and freshly squeezed orange juice. how do I get that in the Quran?

    Ahh, thats easy,counters the Imam saab, just open up the Quran, you will find the answer on surah nahl 16:43, where it says at the very end: fasaloo ahla dhikri in kuntum laa ta'alamun : if ye realise this not, ask of those who possess the Message. so, follow the quran,go to some catering school and learn how to cook!!

    Needless to say, the look of utter disbelief on R's face was priceless

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

    A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

    The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

    First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

    "That should have worked," said the friend.

    The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

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    Icon14 Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Abuaafiyah View Post
    Once, Ricardowolfe was attending a lecture by an imaam saab, so the imaam was saying how in the quran you will find answers to everything, and that Islam has the solution to everything.

    Ricardo jumped up and with a look of triumph in his eyes said, Imam, I need to know how to make Chicken Biriani,Kebabs and freshly squeezed orange juice. how do I get that in the Quran?

    Ahh, thats easy,counters the Imam saab, just open up the Quran, you will find the answer on surah nahl 16:43, where it says at the very end: fasaloo ahla dhikri in kuntum laa ta'alamun : if ye realise this not, ask of those who possess the Message. so, follow the quran,go to some catering school and learn how to cook!!

    Needless to say, the look of utter disbelief on R's face was priceless
    this is really funny yet give a make a good point.

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Illest View Post
    quite funny.....seriusly, im pleasantly surprised...never expected to smile lol...MashaAllah Ta'ala
    hahaha that is very funny

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    When Imam Ahmed was a young student in the class of ibn Haroon...

    Khallaf Ibn Saalim has said:

    كنا في مجلس يزيد بن هارون فمزح مع مستمليه فتنحنح أحمد بن حنبل فقال يزيد من المتنحنح فقيل له أحمد بن حنبل فضرب يزيد على جبينه وقال ألا أعلمتموني أن أحمد هاهنا حتى لا أمزح

    “We were with Yazeed ibn Haroun and he made a joke. Ahmad ibn Hanbal cleared his throat, and Yazeed said: “Who cleared his throat?” When he found out it who it had been, he put his hand on his forehead and said: “Why didn’t you tell me Ahmad was here so I would not joke”.

    ["Siyar A'lam An-Nubala", 11/194].
    http://kondori.wordpress.com/

    HasbunAllah Wani'mal Wakeel | حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل
    Allah is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs.

    "...its better to light a small candle than to curse the darkness..."

    Salātullāhi wa Salāmuhu ‘alayka ya Rasūlallāh





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    Re: Islamic jokes

    LOLLL really funny!!! Made my day

    Quote Originally Posted by Masumah View Post
    ok ive got one but its paraphrased:

    once during Jummah salah, two gunmen clad all in black burst into the mosque and declared.."all those who are willing to take a bullet for Islam stay or leave now"....more than three quarters of the masjid emptied as fast as possible. the gunmen then removed their masks and said to the imaam "proceed with the salah imaam saab the munaafiqs have left!"
    awesome!!!
    "The successful marriage is not when you can live in peace with each other, but when you can't live in peace without each other."
    Friends of Al Aqsa

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Jasin Natael View Post
    A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.


    An Imam shocked his community when he announced that he was resigning from that particular Masjid and moving to a drier climate. After the session, a very distraught lady came to the Imam with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted Imam said "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The Imam who takes my place might be even better than me".

    "Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "
    looooooooooooooool

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    A man came to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) to ask him to give him a beast to ride. The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) jokingly told him, I will give you the offspring of a she-camel to ride." He said, "O Messenger of Allah (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam), what will I do with the offspring of a she-camel?" The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said: "Are riding-camels born except from she-camels?" [Reported by Ahmad, Abu Dawud and al-Tirmidhi, with a sahih isnad.]

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Uthman Ibn Afan View Post
    When Imam Ahmed was a young student in the class of ibn Haroon...

    Khallaf Ibn Saalim has said:

    كنا في مجلس يزيد بن هارون فمزح مع مستمليه فتنحنح أحمد بن حنبل فقال يزيد من المتنحنح فقيل له أحمد بن حنبل فضرب يزيد على جبينه وقال ألا أعلمتموني أن أحمد هاهنا حتى لا أمزح

    “We were with Yazeed ibn Haroun and he made a joke. Ahmad ibn Hanbal cleared his throat, and Yazeed said: “Who cleared his throat?” When he found out it who it had been, he put his hand on his forehead and said: “Why didn’t you tell me Ahmad was here so I would not joke”.

    ["Siyar A'lam An-Nubala", 11/194].
    One of the hadiths that reflects the Prophet's sense of humour and enjoyment of fun is the report that Ahmad gives ftom 'A'ishah who said: "I went out with the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) on a journey. At that time I was a young girl and was quite slender. The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) told the people, 'Go on ahead,' so they went ahead, then he said to me, 'Come, let us have a race.' So I raced with him, and I won. He let the matter rest until I had gained weight. Later, I accompanied him on another journey. He told the people, 'Go on ahead,' so they went ahead. He said to me, 'Come, let us have a race.' So I raced with him, and he won. He began to laugh, and said, 'This is for that."'

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    In al-Adab al-Mufrad, Bukhari reports from Bakr ibn 'Abdillah who said: "The Companions of the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam ) used to throw melon-rinds at one another, but when the matter was serious, they were the only true men."

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    A Bedouin came to the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam). He entered the mosque and left his camel in the courtyard. Some of his Companions said to Nu'ayman ibn 'Amr al-Ansari, who was known as al-Nu'ayman: "If you slaughter it, we will eat it, because we want to have some meat, and the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) will pay for it." So al-Nu'ayman slaughtered it. Then the Bedouin came out and saw his saddle, so he shouted, "They have slaughtered my camel, O Muhammad!" The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) came out and asked: "Who did this?" They said, "Al-Nu'ayman." So he went looking for him, and found him at the home of Duba'ah bint al-Zubayr ibn 'Abdul Muttalib (radhiallahu `anha), where he had hidden in a ditch and covered himself with palm branches and leaves. A man pointed to where he was and said, loudly, "I have not seen him, O Messenger of Allah." The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) brought him out of the ditch, and his face was dirty from where the leaves had fallen on him. The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) asked him, "Why did you do that?" Al-Nu'ayrnan said: "The ones who told you where I was, O Messenger of Allah, are the same ones who told me to do it." The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) began wiping his face and laughing, then he paid the price of the slaughtered camel. [See Hayat As Sahabah, 3/154, 155]

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    An example of the Sahabah's sense of humour, which made the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) laugh, is the report given by Imam Ahmad from Umm. Salamah (radhiallahu `anha). Abil Bakr (radhiallahu `anhu) went to do business in Busra, and with him were Nu'ayman and Suwaybit ibn Harmalah (radhiallahu `anhuma), both of whom had been present at Badr. Suwaybit was in charge of food on the journey, and Nu'ayman said to him, "Feed me!" Suwaybit said, "Not until Abu Bakr (radhiallahu `anhu) comes." Nu'ayman was a fun-loving man with a sense of humour, so he went to some people who had brought livestock with them, and said, "Will you buy a sturdy Arab slave from me?" They said, "Yes." He said, "He has a big mouth, and he may tell you that he is a free man. If that means that you do not want to take him, then forget the matter, and do not cause trouble for me with him." They said, "No problem, we will buy him." So they bought him for ten young she-camels. Nu'ayman brought the animals back, and told the people: "There he is!" Suwaybit said: "I am a free man!" They said, "He has already told us all about you," and put a rope around his neck and led him away. Then Abu Bakr came, and was told what had happened. He and his companions went and returned the animals and took Suwaybit back. They told the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) what had happened, and he and his Sahabah would laugh about the story for a year afterwards.

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Question: What is the ruling on joking in our Islamic religion? Is it among the idle speech, knowing that it is not making fun of the religion? Please advise us, may Allaah reward you.

    Answer: Praise be to Allaah.

    There is nothing wrong with humorous talk and joking, if it is truthful, especially if it is not done a great deal. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to joke but he never said anything but that which was true. But if it involves telling lies, then it is not permissible, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Woe to the one who speaks and lies in order to make people laugh; woe to him, woe to him.” Narrated by Abu Dawood, al-Tirmidhi and al-Nasaa’i with a jayyid isnaad. And Allaah is the Source of strength.

    Majmoo’ Fataawa wa Maqaalaat Li’l-Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 6/391

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    Re: Islamic jokes

    The Shiekh Ibn Uthaimeen prayed his Sallaah at the haram in Makkah, then after he wanted to go some where far so he needed a car. So the Shiekh stopped a taxi. As they were riding along the taxi cab driver wanted to know about his passenger so he asked him, “Who are you?”

    The Sheikh: “Muhammed ibn Uthaimeen”

    The Driver: “The SHEIKH??”

    And he thought that the Sheikh was lying to him. Because he never thought that Sheikh ibn Uthaimeen would ever ride with him.

    The Sheikh: “Yes the Shiekh.”

    The driver at this point was amused and couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

    The Sheikh: “And who are you brother?”

    The Driver: “I am Sheikh Abdulaziz ibn Baz!”

    The Sheikh started to laugh.

    The Sheikh: “Are you really sheikh Abdulaziz ibn Bazz???”

    The Driver: “Well, are you really Shiekh ibn Uthaimeen???”

  40. #40
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    Re: Islamic jokes

    Once Prophet Muhammad told a lady that her husband has a white spot in his eyes. The woman came to the side of her husband being very sad and related what the Prophet had said. Her husband told her that the Prophet had joked with her and that he actually meant that everyone has a white spot in their eyes (En-Nuveyri, IV, 3; Ibn Kuteybe ,439; Krs. Koten, IV,466).


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